Chasing the Clouds

I have been away from here for too long. I kept telling myself that I was posting, that I was keeping the blog ‘alive’… but when I read through the previous few posts, I knew I was kidding myself. Not one of them is my thought, not one of them, me. And today I was filled with this intense desire to write… write about? I didn’t know then when this feeling hit, and I had to keep it at bay long enough to get through the day’s work and get home where I’d have some privacy, and I don’t know now, when I’m sitting in front of my PC. But write - I want to.

Oh hell, I might as well be truthful. I tried my best to drown this unrest in me. I watched TV, I called up friends, but I could concentrate on neither. I knew then that I had to write today… I have been to so tied up in things for the past few weeks, that I’ve barely acknowledged this side of me, barely remembered the pleasure I get through writing. There’s a goal to achieve and work to be done, and the flowers can wait till next year, and the music must hold on too. Today, I must run, and not pause to ask what I am running for, lest I lose the reason to run. And to stop running is to get run-over and to accept defeat. Right now, anything but defeat….

But maybe today I can pause? To close my eyes and lose myself in the things I enjoy, if not to ask what I’m running for? Surely, that much I can risk… I struggle to find an answer… I wish I knew. I wish I could decide one way, without feeling guilty about abandoning the other. All my life, I’ve wanted to avoid these guilt traps, for I know them for what they are. And in spite of being so aware of their guile, I’ve only rarely been able to avoid them. It’s not easy. And yet, if I am to find pure pleasure in anything – success or leisure, I must rise above them.

My mind is running amok, like a calf released from its pen after being tied down for a long long time. Very like the calf, it’s chasing the clouds, never concentrating on one… a thought comes, and the mind follows it for a while, till it sees another more interesting one, and it abandons the first… and the second is soon deserted for a third and then a fourth and a fifth… till I don’t even remember where I began and what I started out to say. There’s so much that has been waiting to be said, it’s quite a revelation! Maybe there’s still hope for this blog… maybe I haven’t run out of things to say!